


Rediscovering Home

by Despina



Category: Saikuki
Genre: A little angst, M/M, a little fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-02-28
Updated: 2008-02-28
Packaged: 2017-10-14 05:32:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/145906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Despina/pseuds/Despina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two years after their return home from their journey, Goku and Sanzo struggle with their relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rediscovering Home

**Author's Note:**

> Big thanks to my wonderful beta Imayb1, but I did touch it last. Written for my dear, lovely Goddess, Rroselavy, you are wonderful!

Hakkai folded freshly laundered clothes while listening to the steady sound of spring rain tapping against windows. Rain didn’t bother him as it once did, but it still left him feeling lonely. He gazed at the clock – 11:30 PM. Gojyo still had an hour on his shift at the tavern. Hakkai smiled thinking about his partner. Gojyo had turned out to be a very good bartender and he seemed happy in his occupation.

In fact, they were both happy now. Hakkai taught school at the local orphanage and he enjoyed helping the troubled children. Between them, they made enough money to survive comfortably and their days were blissfully uneventful. After a rough beginning, they had adjusted well to their quieter life.

He caught sight of movement outside and focused his vision. Someone was out there. Hakkai hurried to the door and then opened it, only to find Goku standing there, soaked to his skin.

“Goku?” Hakkai’s gaze shifted behind his friend. “Where’s…”

“I’m alone,” Goku said, cutting off Hakkai’s question. “Can I come in?”

“Of course,” Hakkai answered without hesitation. “Let me get you some towels.”

Later, while Hakkai busied himself in the kitchen making tea, Goku glanced around his friend’s house. Really, they lived rather sparsely, except for the growing pile of books Hakkai was accumulating. For such a neat freak, Goku found it ironic that Hakkai had taken to absently leaving books deposited everywhere. He was somewhat comforted that everyone seemed to develop personality quirks as they aged.

He rubbed the towel over his head again, until his hair no longer dripped. After changing into some dry clothes, Goku was physically warmer now, but still cold in his heart.

“Are you hungry, Goku?” Hakkai asked while he deposited tea and cups on the table. Goku seemed strange to him, unnaturally quiet.

“No, I’m not hungry,” Goku answered, staring at an open book about botany and holistic curatives. Very dry stuff.

“Not hungry?” Those words confirmed Hakkai’s fears. Something had happened between Sanzo and Goku, something painful enough to drive Goku away.

“Goku --”

“Don’t worry, Hakkai,” Goku said with a smile. “I’m all right. I won’t be bothering you for long. Just a day or two before I’m on my way again.”

“To where?”

Goku shrugged, sitting down at the table. He really didn’t want to talk about what happened between him and Sanzo and he knew Hakkai would respect that. Besides, there wasn’t that much to say about it. “I guess this will be my own journey.”

“Ah,” Hakkai nodded, “yes, I understand.”

“I thought you would.” Goku fidgeted in his chair. He was afraid to ask the questions he needed to ask, but he also felt so much despair, he didn’t know how much longer he could go on without confiding in someone. He didn’t operate the same way Sanzo did, Goku needed feedback and he needed companionship. Maybe not a lot, but he needed some. Since their journey had ended some two years earlier, Goku had become increasingly lonelier. Sure, Sanzo was around physically, but he was so distant these days. The bitter truth was, now that the minus wave threat was over, Sanzo didn’t really need Goku anymore.

He looked up and into Hakkai’s warm green eyes, filled with concern. “Hakkai, do you think I’ve changed?”

“Yes, Goku. You have changed.” Hakkai absently touched his botany book. “We’ve all changed.”

“Is …” Goku inhaled and blurted out what he had to say, “Is that bad?”

Hakkai felt like Goku had slapped him. There was such pain radiating from his friend, he almost didn’t think he could process it. He had no idea how to help sooth Goku’s heartache if he was hurting this much. Finally, he gave Goku a sad smile and said, “No, change is not bad, it is a necessary part of life. We all change, but I’d be lying to you if I didn’t say that sometimes change can make things difficult.”

Goku sighed. “That’s why I need to go away. I think.”

“I see.” Hakkai really did understand. There were times when getting away from a situation could assist with putting your life in perspective. Hakkai had done something similar once their journey west was complete. He had wandered in his youkai form for nearly six months after the minus wave threat passed. At the time, coming to understand his youkai side seemed terribly important. After years of denial, Hakkai had needed to embrace his demon side. He had adopted complete isolation and lived in the woods like a feral cat while deciding if he was youkai or human.

“Hey Hakkai, when you went on your, um, trip,” Goku took a sip of tea, “what brought you back?”

“I did,” Gojyo’s rumbling baritone greeted them. “He was a mess, but I’m glad he left his hair long.”

“Gojyo!” Hakkai jumped to his feet. “You surprised me.”

Gojyo raised an eyebrow. “I _surprised_ you? You’re slipping in your old age, too much reading.” _Or maybe_ , he thought to himself, _Goku’s news was very serious_. Gojyo also hadn’t spied mister up-tight, glowering monk. Since Sanzo and Goku were usually inseparable, Gojyo could only assume they’d had a falling out. He tousled Goku’s hair and said, “Hey runt, long time!”

Goku swatted at his hand. “What’d’ya do, you slacker? Skip out on work?”

“Nah, it was a slow night, so we closed early,” Gojyo answered. He had to pluck one of Hakkai’s ever-roaming books off a chair before he could sit down. He held it up and gave Hakkai a wry smile. “You are getting sloppy with these.”

“I prefer to think of myself as enthusiastic,” Hakkai said, feeling his irritation creep into his voice.

“You are enthusiastic,” Gojyo agreed. He couldn’t resist smiling when explained patiently, “But if you’re going to leave them lying around everywhere, you can’t get angry with me when I spill things on them, okay?”

“Hmm,” Hakkai answered, picking up his cup of tea and looking away.

Goku’s eyes darted between them, judging their reactions. Hakkai was different these days. There was the clutter of his scattered books and he was far more open with his emotions. His feelings for Gojyo were obvious now.

Gojyo was also different. He no longer chain-smoked and he was gentler, not so loud. Goku watched with silent envy while Gojyo reached out and affectionately stroked Hakkai’s long hair. Sanzo and he had nothing like this sentimental attachment.

Sanzo and Goku shared little. Goku took verbal abuse and an occasional fan hit. Anymore, there were no kind words or quiet times. Sanzo had no time for Goku these days.

Goku sighed. Sanzo didn’t care for Goku anymore. Had he ever cared? Goku remembered sweet words and passionate sex. He was certain there'd been a time Sanzo cared, at least a little, but that knowledge didn’t do much to ease his current pain.

 

Later when Goku was asleep on the couch, Hakkai and Gojyo spoke together in their room.

“Do you think Sanzo gave him the boot?” Gojyo asked, his head propped up on one hand while his fingers made patterns on Hakkai’s bare stomach.

Hakkai looked over, the moonlight from their bedroom window glittered in Gojyo’s eyes. “I don’t know. Goku seemed reluctant to speak of what happened, but he wouldn’t eat.”

“That’s a bad sign if he turned down food.” Gojyo leaned over and inhaled deeply at Hakkai’s long, clean hair and nuzzled at his neck. After a moment he pulled away and said, “It’s gotta be Sanzo.”

“I know,” Hakkai said with a sigh while he reached out and traced Gojyo’s facial scars. “I’m worried for Goku, but I think I’m even more worried for Sanzo.”

“Yeah,” Gojyo agreed. “I’ve always considered Goku as Sanzo’s human half. Funny, huh?”

Hakkai blinked at Gojyo and then gave him a lazy, unrestrained smile. “Sometimes you are very astute, Gojyo.”

Gojyo chuckled and leaned over Hakkai again. “Astute, huh? Are you coming on to me?”

“Absolutely.”

 

Gojyo was still asleep when someone pounded on their front door. Hakkai was at work. Normally, Gojyo would have ignored the intrusion on his sleep, but he already suspected who it might be.

Hakkai and Gojyo had taken a bet with one another. Gojyo thought Sanzo would show up in a month. Hakkai felt Sanzo would give it two. Sanzo showed up exactly at six weeks, almost to the minute.

Clad only in his boxers, Gojyo answered the door. “Shitty monk, could you have been a week earlier?”

Sanzo wasn’t in the mood for one of Gojyo’s teasing. Glaring at the half-dressed kappa he asked, “Where is he?”

“Not here.” Gojyo turned away, leaving the door open as his invitation for Sanzo to come inside. He headed for the table where hot coffee in a thermos waited for him. “You want coffee?” Gojyo asked, picking up a second cup.

“Yeah.” Sanzo stepped inside the house. No, it wasn’t a house, the place were Gojyo and Hakkai lived was a home.

Moving to join Gojyo at the table, Sanzo had to move a stack of books from a chair to find a place to sit. Lighting a cigarette, he turned to Gojyo. Tipping his head towards the books he said, “Hakkai’s getting rather eccentric these days.”

Gojyo shrugged, wondering what Sanzo was holding back, he seemed almost sad. “Books are a hobby for Hakkai. I’ve got no problem with it.”

“Huh.” Sanzo said. Gojyo’s quiet acceptance of Hakkai’s idiosyncrasies irritated him for some reason. “What about him getting on you about your hobbies? You know, smoking, whoring and card-playing.”

Grinning, Gojyo said, “What are you - jealous or something? I think you are just mad about our relationship actually working when yours didn’t.”

Sanzo glared. Gojyo still annoyed the shit out of him. Sanzo wondered how Hakkai and Gojyo had managed. How they had moved past all the stupid tiresome complications having a relationship brought. Envy, petty nitpicking, trust, and affection all seemed overwhelming to Sanzo. How did these two losers manage when he couldn’t?

“Aww, who are we kidding?” Gojyo complained while retrieving an ashtray for Sanzo and placing it on the table. “I still want to smoke!”

“Let me guess, you can’t smoke because you are whipped.” Sanzo shook his head, not even bothering to hide his disgust. “Che, you are pathetic.”

“Maybe I am pathetic.” Gojyo sat down. Staring intently at Sanzo he continued, “But I’m also happy. You, however, look short one monkey. Hasn’t Goku contacted you?”

“No.” Sanzo took a drag of his cigarette. He exhaled his smoke into Gojyo’s face before asking, “When does Hakkai get home?”

“Ah, I get it!” Gojyo laughed. “You don’t think I can help, do ya?”

“No, I don’t.”

Gojyo shrugged again. “Suit yourself.”

Long minutes turned into an hour of uncomfortable silence between them until finally and uncharacteristically, Sanzo was first to break. “Damn it! I can’t hear him anymore.”

“You what?”

“Never mind.” Sanzo was angry. He was angry with Goku for disappearing. He was angry with Hakkai and Gojyo for finding happiness. Finally, he was angry with himself for showing vulnerability, especially to Gojyo.

Now that Gojyo took a serious look at Sanzo, he couldn’t help but notice how brittle the Monk seemed. Sanzo was not physically frail, but he seemed emotionally frayed, something Gojyo never expected to see in his entire life. Goku’s disappearance had hurt Sanzo deeply.

He exhaled. “Look Sanzo,” Gojyo began quietly, “Goku was here about six weeks ago. He was all messed up and he said he was going on a personal journey.”

Sanzo tried to wait, but his impatience won out. “What else?”

The door opened and Hakkai came in carrying a bag of groceries and another book. “Oh! Well hello, Sanzo. We’ve been expecting you. You’re early.”

“Huh,” Sanzo glared at him. “The Kappa said I was late.”

“Ah, such is life,” Hakkai said as he joined them, placing his new book lovingly on a stack. “I assume you are here about Goku. I think you should know, he said he wasn’t hungry when he was here.”

“Did he?” Sanzo didn’t like the sound of that.

“Yes.”

Gojyo pointed his finger at Sanzo. “His holiness says he can’t hear the Monkey anymore.”

Hakkai raised an eyebrow. “I see.”

“No you don’t,” Sanzo nearly yelled, jumping to his feet and cracking his knee painfully on a table leg. “You don’t ‘see’ anything. You two are useless and I don’t know why I bothered coming here.” He moved towards their door.

“Is that why he left?” Gojyo asked, attempting to keep his voice soft. He couldn’t believe it, but he was actually worried about the bastard. “Because you were being your normal prick-like self and he couldn’t take it anymore?”

Hakkai didn’t say anything, well, not vocally anyway, but he was certain Sanzo knew his position on the matter. Hakkai had warned Sanzo for years that his abuse would someday drive Goku from his side. _I told you so_ did not seem appropriate and Hakkai held his tongue. Besides, Hakkai suspected Gojyo’s brutal honestly would bring better results this time.

“I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later,” Gojyo added. “He may be tough and loyal, but everyone has their limits.”

“So what can I do about it?” Sanzo asked his voice barely above a savage whisper. “I can’t hear him and I don’t know how to find him.”

“Sit down, you stupid monk and let’s talk about this,” Gojyo said, his patience was thinning.

Hakkai gave his partner a furtive look. Sanzo was particular fragile right now, he’d never seen him so wounded. “Sanzo, maybe we can help you figure out where he went.”

Sanzo turned and gazed at his friends. Grief and concern filled their stares. He found their pity both irritating and strangely touching -- but mostly irritating. “All right,” he said with impatience, “I guess it won’t kill me to hear what you morons have to say.”

 

“Are you sure about this?” Hakkai asked again.

“Hakkai,” Gojyo exhaled, “you’ve asked him that question at least fifty times already. Ease up, will ya?”

“Shut up, Kappa,” Sanzo said with a snarl while glaring at them both. “I don’t need your help or Hakkai’s nagging. I’m leaving now.”

“Shitty monk,” Gojyo shouted at Sanzo’s retreating form. “You’ll freeze to death before he ever comes back!”

Sanzo didn’t turn but held up his hand, prominently displaying his middle finger.

“Gojyo!” Hakkai furrowed his brow in disapproval when he looked at Gojyo. “Those are hardly words of encouragement.”

Shrugging Gojyo said, “You heard him. He doesn’t want sympathy from us and I’m just complying with his wishes. Besides, I do think Goku will come back to him. Maybe. Eventually.”

“I hope you’re right.” Hakkai said, thinking about what Sanzo was facing and agreeing with Gojyo on one point. If Goku didn’t show before winter, there was a distinct possibility Sanzo would freeze to death.

 

Summer passed quickly for Sanzo. He had set up a deal with a man in the nearest village, a Mr. Sato, to bring him food once a month. At first, he had asked Sato to bring cigarettes, too, but after a few months, Sanzo had quit smoking. Not by choice, a few times he had simply run out of them before his new supplies showed up and he then forgot to request more. With passing time, he no longer craved the nicotine as he once had.

He had spent a little time in surrounding villages before finally committing himself to staying in Goku’s cave. During his visits, he had heard various tales of lore concerning the mountain’s top. Most of the townsfolk were terrified of higher elevations and especially of the cave. Generations of stories woven together made it sound like a frightening place. There were many sightings of a roaming, killing monster. There were also sounds of lonely, anguished cries from the slain.

Sanzo found it amusing and ironic that Goku was root of their fears. If the villagers had ever actually met his stupid monkey, all they would fear would be hunger after Goku consumed their food stores. He had been fortunate to find Sato, an unusually brave man to trudge food up a haunted, monster-infested mountain to a crazy, reclusive monk. Sanzo wasn’t Goku; he would never survive 500 years without sustenance.

Goku’s cave was a lonely place, Sanzo could agree with that. Each passing day made him feel more isolated and now winter was fast approaching. Sato, his only visitor in four months, told Sanzo on his last visit he would not return until snow melt in spring. He had brought extra food, almost three times as much, but he still voiced skepticism of Sanzo ability to survive winter.

Sanzo snarled at Sato and sent him back to his village. While he watched his last connection to people disappear into the falling snow, Sanzo realized he was skeptical of surviving, too.

He had stayed alive through a lot, despite overwhelming odds to the contrary. He had lived through poison, fighting gods and years of dealing with his three tiresome and idiotic traveling companions. What he experienced now, this loneliness was more difficult than anything he had faced before.

Sanzo watched the steadily falling snow in his seventh month of self-imposed exile. Not surprisingly, he didn’t miss people. He didn’t miss the temple, the Sanbutsushin, or his daily mind-numbingly boring tasks. Not at all. Everything that had seemed important before Goku left seemed less than useless now.

There was only one thing he missed and that pain remained acute. He missed Goku. He missed Goku physically, of course, but there was something about the monkey’s absent presence in his head that he missed even more. He had always taken for granted that when they separated, Sanzo could rely on Goku’s irritating and comforting internal chatter. He had always thought getting rid of Goku’s voice would be a blessing. He never dreamed silence could be so deafening.

To pass his time, he meditated, he practiced his martial arts and he stared at the empty, lifeless expanse stretching before him. Nothing lived here, nothing except him and an occasional bird. Winter had taken care of the birds, either driving them away or killing them outright. Finding dead bodies of birds bothered him. For some reason, seeing their frozen, lifeless eyes filled him with sadness.

Days, weeks, and months stretched on while Sanzo’s crushing loneliness grew. Near the end of his ninth month, he fell ill. He lay shaking in his blankets, knowing he was dying. His food was almost gone and he thought he might be suffering from pneumonia. As he drifted towards what he suspected would be his last sleep, he had to admit the Kappa was right for once. He would freeze to death before Goku returned.

For some reason that thought brought Sanzo near to tears, but Sanzo didn’t cry, did he? Kouryu the River Rat might have cried, but not Genjyo Sanzo. He wished he could see Goku’s golden eyes one more time. He wished to feel Goku’s soft, wild hair and warm embrace. He closed his eyes, thinking only of Goku.

Why did he say it? Why did he tell him to leave? Why did he tell Goku to get out of his head?

“Goku -” he said and let darkness take him.

 

Goku plodded through the snow. He wasn’t happy about being on this particular mountain and especially not in the dead of winter, but something drove him on. He shivered, but not from cold. That cave was where he needed to go – his prison of five hundred years. Why, of all places, would he feel the need to return here?

He had spent most of the last year trying to figure out where he belonged, trying to find a home. Along his way, he had made some friendly acquaintances. He'd hired himself out as protection, defending villages or caravans from marauding thugs and thieves, easy work compared his trip to India. Once he convinced people not to judge him on his size, he had more work than he could handle. Many of his employers and several of his newly acquired friends had tried to convince him to settle down and take up residence in their villages, but he had never wanted to stay.

He kept moving, keeping his distance from people and allowing wanderlust take over after a month or two. He drifted aimlessly, searching for purpose. For some silly reason, Goku had envisioned some clarifying moment, some epiphany that would explain his life to him, but he hadn’t. During the entire year, he had simply longed for a man with blond hair and purple eyes to come and drag him home.

Sanzo had never showed, but something else had happened. Goku started hearing a voice in his head. At first, he'd just heard the same two words and only occasionally.

_baka. saru. stupid monkey. baka saru._

Goku thought he was possibly losing his mind when the voice started to string almost-sentences together.

_baka saru where are you come back baka saru come back come back come back_

Then the voice – was it Sanzo’s voice? - didn’t stop, even when he tried to sleep. After a few days of hearing the ceaseless words, he headed back. He headed towards Sanzo.

His return journey took him a while due to the winter weather, but every time he paused, the voice kept at him. A steady sound of someone’s stream of consciousness flowed non-stop through his brain.

_why am I waiting for you so irritating why aren’t you here baka saru come back come back come back_

Goku kept moving, following the voice. When it didn’t lead him to the temple in Chang’an, he began to question whether it was Sanzo he heard. The voice brought him here, to this terrible mountain, his miserable home for 500 years. He stopped at a small village, intending to get a last hot meal and sleep in a bed before facing the final ascent and his deep-seated fear.

The village contained a small store. Next-door was a tavern with rooms for rent. Goku felt fortunate to find food, lodging and supplies in such a small village. Poking around in the store, he gathered up blankets and some food. He didn’t know how long he would be at the cave or what he would find, but this time he wanted to be prepared.

The store owner, a man named Sato, was very friendly and helped Goku pick out a fur-lined cloak and some light, yet warm, wool blankets. After gathering all of Goku’s new purchases together, Sato asked him about his destination.

Goku sighed. “I’m headed to the top.”

“What?” Sato said and shook his head. “Why on earth would you want to do that? This is the wrong time of year for that. Especially, this year – we’ve had a very rough winter. You might want to reconsider for a month.”

“I can’t wait.” Goku smiled but he felt no humor or joy. “Honestly, I would rather not make this journey, but something keeps driving me on.”

“I think I understand,” Sato said. “You are on a spiritual journey to see the monk in the cave.”

Goku’s heart skipped a beat. “What monk?”

Sato packed up blankets and food for his customer. “Last summer, a blond-haired monk took up residence in a cave at the mountaintop. He had me bring up food for him once a month. I tried to talk him into spending winter in our village, but he refused. He was rather rude about it. I can only guess he’s still up there.”

“Alone?” Goku had to choke out the word. “He was alone?”

Sato paused and looked at Goku. “He was alone. Last time I saw him I took him extra provisions and told him he was a fool for staying and he would probably die before spring.”

Goku grabbed Sato's arm. “Did he hit you with his fan?”

Sato shook his head and said, "No, why would he do that?”

Goku blinked his eyes furiously. Sanzo was all alone and waiting for him. There was a possibility that that Sanzo was in serious trouble. The voice in Goku’s head had been growing fainter over the past few days.

Throwing money on the counter, Goku grabbed his bundle of goods and ran out the door.

“Hey!” Sato called after him, “You should wait until morning, it will be dark soon!”

Goku glanced over his shoulder and gave a wave. “I’ll be okay and don’t worry, I’ll save him.”

Sato scratched his head. When spring finally came, he was sure he’d find a cave with two bodies in it instead of one.

 

Sanzo was warm. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been warm. He assumed he was dying and didn’t bother opening his eyes. After a while, however, he smelled food and his eyes did open this time. He saw someone standing near a fire in Goku’s cave. He closed his eyes again, realizing that delirium was taking hold of him. That was fine, at least he was warm. A familiar buzzing chatter filled Sanzo’s head and he sighed with contentment, drifting back to oblivion.

“Come on, Sanzo,” Goku said tugging Sanzo semi-upright and into his lap, “sit up and give me a little help here!”

“Shut up, Saru,” Sanzo replied and swatted weakly at Goku. “Just leave me alone.”

“You need to eat something,” Goku said. “I know Hakkai could probably make it taste better, but I’m not such a bad cook. Come on, just a little.”

Sanzo let Goku feed him. In actuality, Sanzo couldn’t have stopped Goku if he had wanted to, he was incredibly weak. Under normal circumstances, he would die before allowing anyone to see him in his current condition. However, this was anything but normal circumstances.

“You took your sweet time getting here, Baka Saru,” Sanzo complained.

“Yeah, yeah, so you’ve told me every day for almost a week. Now eat.” Goku smiled, for the first time in many months, he felt happy again. Sanzo was finally getting better.

“I can hear you again,” Sanzo said between spoonfuls of soup. He did feel a little stronger today.

“Of course you can hear me, I’m right next to you.” Goku blinked, realizing what Sanzo’s words meant. “Oh, you mean…”

“Not in my head, it was far too quiet.” He waved his hand feebly. “I’ve had enough soup.”

“You did good this time, almost half a bowl.” Goku placed the bowl on the ground and tangled his fingers in Sanzo’s hair. “You scared me when I found you, you know. I thought I might be too late.”

“I thought so, too,” Sanzo said, his eyes closing, feeling sleep claiming him again. He lifted his hand and closed it over Goku’s. “You’d better be here when I wake up.”

“Of course I’ll be here,” Goku said. He slipped out from under Sanzo and smoothed the heavy blankets into place. He leaned over and kissed Sanzo’s forehead. “I’ll be right here from now on.”

He was certain Sanzo had not said it out loud, but Goku heard the words clear and strong in his head:

_Thank you._

There was a possibility that once Sanzo figured out Goku could hear his thoughts, he would try to keep tighter control on his mind. For the time being, Goku would enjoy hearing Sanzo’s unguarded consciousness. Now that Goku understood how Sanzo felt about him, he would never stray from home again.

 

End


End file.
